The boring old summer holidays were finally over.
and the dull damp autumn had arrived at last,
bringing with it that sweet smelling slanty rain,
enchanting early evenings and endless darkness.
What you doin, Love?
and, of course, Martin Moone's first day of secondary school.
Hi, Des. Morning, Delma.
Fist day of big school, Martin.
That's right Des, dipping my toe into the adult scene.
-Like a peckish shark. -Did you bring it?
-Kiss? -Gosh, the face, Geah.
What an eager shark, Des.
Excited by the prospect of a bigger boat.
Have you seen Jaws?
Can I have a lift too? Nope?
A lift? Who wants a lift?
I've been looking forward to this walk for three boring months, buddy.
This is an historic walk.
A new era, a new school, a new walk.
I think I'm just going to stick with my regular walk though.
Oh, alright, whatever, old school walk.
Boring
You jealous now. Your jealous of my new school walk.
You know, were running pretty late Marty.
Maybe we should ask these girls for directions.
I'm a man now, Sean!
I'm not asking directions from a bloody woman.
I know where I'm going. It's just around this corner.
You're one of the big green people now buddy.
You're like The Incredible Martin.
or The Jolly Green Martin. or Kermit the Martin.
I'm a grown up Green.
No room in my new school for childish maroon.
Wait wait, Isn't this your old school?
Flippit!
♪ Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
♪ Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
♪ Where's me jumper?
Oh, no ♪
What are we listening to?
Oh, I made a mix tape of super tunes for the new school drive.
-Jesus and Mary Chain. -Brilliant.
-Heaven 17. -Classic.
-Maxi Priest. Sensing a theme. -Oh you got me.
It's my '80s mix.
-Thanks for the lift. -Wouldn't want my little Virgin Mary,
waddling all this way on her own, Yo.
Hey, You're not the first unmarried girl off the pole
at this school, and you won't be the last.
Shoot, that girl over there has under-aged conception written all over her.
-That's Trisha. -Well yeah, I know.
Think I'm gonna just keep a low profile.
And maybe no one will notice that I'm a big gigantic whale.
Stop that shat. At most, you are a normal sized whale.
I love you baby. You too, Delma.
-Trisha, where's Martin? -You don't know me.
Oh, Right. My mistake.
How could you get lost in Boyle? There's really just two streets!
That ridiculous one way system always throws me mam.
Oh, Hi Eamonn.
I'm afraid Martin here is late for his first day.
Sorry, Sir. I mean Your Honour.
Not to worry. Run along.
Can't believe he's starting big school already
-Hope he'll be ok.
He'll be grand. Shoot, kids today basically school themselves.
-Do they though? -You don't suppose you've
ever been to Nairobi, Have you, Debra?
-Oh, em, no. -Supposed to be magical.
The Kenyans are such a furtive people.
Probably why they hid all that stuff in the pyramids.
Good holidays this year, eh?
Sigh, time of my life. Time of my feckin life!
Three best things about teaching Debrah.
-June, July & August. -Heh, good one.
Anyway, here we are, back at bloody school.
Yeah, speaking of which, I haven't seen any posters up
-for the back to school dance. -Yeah there's no dance this year.
Why's that? We always thought it was such a great way
to help the new kids settle in.
No major reason really. Just, no one wanted to organize it.
So we all got together and just decided not to bother.
-Well, that was a dynamic decision. -We're a dynamic bunch.
Well, see you later, Deb.
How you settling in? Did you get your welcome pack?
-There were welcome packs? -Well, they were mostly tampons.
It's weird being in a school with girls, isn't it?
Fortunately, I feel really at home here.
Whole place smells like lip gloss and bras posters .
Dad says women are like men
who've been hit in the head.
Look at them all, talking about periods, and scrunchies, and Patrick Swayze.
That's not all they talk about, Martin.
I was watching Patrick Swayze last night in "Dirty Dancing",
and I got my period, and it hurt like an overtightened scrunchie.
Hi, Niamh. Hi, Alison. Hi, Claire. Hi, other Claire.
-How do you know their names? -I don't.
I'm not going to let that stop me.
You have to exude confidence, man.
To be popular, you have to act popular.
How are you, Jimmy? Give your mother my love.
Who's Jimmy?
But hey, you have your sister to look after you.
Yeah, that's true. Hi, Sinead.
Hi, Sinead. Hi, Sinead. Hi, Sinead.
Yeah, this doesn't exude confidence.
See you at home, so.
So, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
That's good, swing them all way around.
Come on swing them, that's good, well done. 's good, Fiona.
Looks like you gave exercise a bit of a rest over the summer there, Delma.
-Yeah, suppose I did. -Seriously, you've kinda gotten fat.
You're not the only one. We've all put on a few pounds.
Yeah, I suppose.
Nobody more than you though.
Don't worry, at least I'll have your full focus on PE this year.
Cause in your state, none of the lads will be trying to distract you.
Come on. That's good, that's good. You alright?
Can't believe art is an actual class here.
Thought this was a proper school with proper subjects,
like woodwork and fighting.
Whoa, is that our teacher?
Hummina Hummina
-Not! Did I startle you? -Yes, you did.
Good! You should be startled.
You're in the bloody big school now. Art should startle!
That's why that says, startle.
That does say "stARTle".
What are your names? You.
-Padraic O'Dwyer.
Not your given name. This isn't a police station, It's a creation station.
What's you real name!?
Padraic O'Dwyer. P ou D.
Pod...
I pod.
Ipod. That's weird. but, OK.
-You? -Butch Cassidy.
That's good. Be more original.
-Sundance Kid. -The Sundance Kid?
That's brilliant.
Come on, everybody shout out your name.
-Ipod. -Sundance Kid.
-Jack Charlton. -Rasputin!
-Terrence Trent Darby. -Hitler.
-Milli Vanilli. -Love them.
-Spartacus! -No, I am Spartacus!
-My given name is Miss Tivnan. -Yeah, but what should we call you?
You should call me Miss Tivnan.
Now, everyone, look under your desks. What's there?
There's something under our desks. Hey, we git it! We Won!
A big ball of Play-Doh.
-Look closer, Rasputin. -Hear anything?
What's inside it?
My, my one's just full of Play-Doh.
Genius. Genius is inside it, Ipod.
and all you have to do is let it out.
Genius is inside it. Kill it!
Do you want me to make something?
Oh, not just something, Ipod. Something called ART!
-You have just been arted! -My puberty just started.
I think I just farted.
Your in big school now, Sundance.
Anything could happen.
To either of us.
Things change quickly here. Which is why I'm now a mermaid.
-Mermaid. -Splishy Splashy
And now I'm riding a unicorn.
Ooh god, I wish I was a unicorn.
So, is that a face?
Stop trying to make sense of it, mom.
It's not a ting, it's an Art.
-So, not a face, ok. -Oh Heathen.
Anyway, how was your first day? Did ya meet any new friends?
I met a teacher. A beautiful mental teacher.
Who makes her own jewelry, and smells like glue and Chardonnay.
What about actual friends?
Does Padraic count?
No. You see, this is why you need the back to school dance.
You need an event,
to help break the ice and help make new friends.
Padraic is lovely. But it is also nice to have friends
who don't eat stones for money.
Hello Martin's school. -Eammon Conlon, please.
Not even Dessie is interested in me anymore.
Cause I'm so big, and fat, and pregnant.
Here you go, love. Eat your sadness away.
-Aloha! -Hi, Eammon. Debra Moone here.
-What? -Yeah, I'd like to talk about the dance again.
Any chance you could turn the Hawaiian music down a sec?
Jesus!
I wish. Sorry to disturb.
I didn't hear you coming in.
-Wearing my church shoes. -Oh, right. That's creepy.
Listen, you mind if I come in for a quick chat?
I suppose not. Take a seat, Dessie.
Well, um, Mr. Moone, as you know, Fidelma and I
recently sexually conceived a child.
-Yes, I'm aware of that. -The Lord
has blessed us with a baby from our two bodies.
-Yeah, I know how it works. -And although that was
wild and wonderful, and mutual fulfilling...
You know I'm her father, Right?
Exactly why I'm here, Liam.
I think it's only right to doff my cap to tradition,
and go through the formality of obtaining your blessing
to take Fidelma's hand in marriage.
Fair play too, Dessie.
So, shall I pop open the Boyle bubbles?
Well, I think it's real honorable that you came here to ask me this.
But the answer is gonna have to be No.
-Well, I, I'm sorry... -Thanks for dropping by though.
-But wait, Liam... -All the best now.
No, wait, wait Mr. Moone. I'm not expecting much of a dowry.
Ah, so it's really happening huh? Do we need dates for this thing?
-Hi, Martin. -Hi, Mom.
How ya Mrs. M?
Do you want to go to this nonsense together?
Sorry Martin. I've got my girlfriend.
-You have a girlfriend already? -What can I saw?
Seems like old Ipod is a hit with the ladies.
And I've never felt this way before.
-Hi, Padraic. -Hey, girlfriend.
I forget her name.
Now, don't just draw her like a bunch of stupid bloody sheep, OK?
You must look for the essence of her character, and capture it.
But, in a drawing?
Yes, Ipod, I want you to draw her.
Stupid Ipod.
Miss Tivnan, should I maybe take my top off or something?
-No you're fine there, Linda.
I've done this before, I have no problem doing it.
It might actually help. Miss.
-Let's all take our tops off. -Oh no, tops on, pens down.
and open your little arty minds,
and let the sweet songs of the birds
wash over you like an inspirational power shower.
Ghaa. Miss Tivnan is so nice.
-She is like a mermaid.
You know I really like her buddy. I might invite her to the school dance.
But, she can't even see you.
So? You can just tell herhow cool I am.
Oh, and how tall. Women love tall men.
Because they don't like the idea of their boyfriends stealing their clothes.
You see the problem with this now is that is nuts and grasses.
But I like her too.
You? Let's be realistic.
-Is this your work, Sundance? -Yeah.
I see a recurring figure here. Very interesting form.
See, She thinks I am interesting.
Actually, I've drawn him kind of wrong here.
He's actually a lot older than this.
He should have a pair of big silly glasses
and a big stupid gray mustache.
Yes. Actually, that is better now. He looks totally ridiculous.
Good work, Sundance.
Unbelievable.
Least I'm still tall, short arse.
Whoops, Just slipped off.
Now, I was think about having some mad balloons over the doors.
and maybe some streamers in the DJ corner.
Who's gonna DJ? Cause I was thinking maybe I...
I've been thinking about that too, Trisha.
We need someone who's really hip, and knows what everyone is into at the moment.
Real music hound, you know
and we have the perfect person pretty close to home. In fact
Ah, there he is now.
-Ah for Fuc... -Desmondo.
Any chance you could DJ at my gig on Friday?
No problemo, Mrs. M.
I'll get me DJ tie out of the dry cleaners.
Those are lovely. I'm afraid Fidelma is out at the moment though.
Actually, I was kinda looking for Mr. Moone. Is, is he around?
No, He's out with the lads.
Nice. Well, maybe you could just tell him I called?
Yeah.
I'll win you over yet, grandad.
Well then...
He was very keen to see you.
I know I've said it before, but
I think he fancies you.
-He wants my blessing. -For what?
-To ask Delma to marry him. -Shut Up!
What did you say?
-What do you think? -Liam.
I just can't do it. He's such a, clappy, sappy little wimp.
It took guts to ask you.
Do you think I should have said yes?
Any chance there might be a dowry?
And that's why they call them Dumb Bells.
-See ya later, yeah. -Yes.
-Umm, Miss Tivnan? -Ooh. Sundance.
I was wondering, well I noticed there's a dance tomorrow.
and I don't know if you're going or not or if you have anyone to go with if you are...
How dare you!
And I'm sure you're busy doing art or something.
-Oh My God. -And you're probably not.
-stealing the future wife of your... -but if you were going...
-of you imaginary friend, that is low... -and you were...
-even for you short person. -looking for someone to go with, who's REAL...
-and available. -My back is very itchy, what is that?
Martin, here you go.
You left your spare underpants at home, love.
Here you go. Just can't deal with the milk.
I've got to go prop up the canteen queue.
You need something to cut your humble pie with, milky pants?
Yeah, run away, wife stealer.
Look at me.
Look at meee.
It's marvelous. It's marvelous.
Fan-tabulous.
Do we really have to be here? The house is empty, Debs.
Do you know how long it is since we had non-silent sex?
-Why is no one dancing? -Uh, your choice of DJ perhaps.
of your heart strings that play something low.
Nope, no problem there.
-Liam's here. -Forget about Liam.
Are you going to let him stand in the way of your dreams?
Possibly.
There's only one person's permission you need.
My own.
Actually, I was thinking of Fidelma.
-Right, Fidelma. -Yeah.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
Actually, It's more of a question.
Fidelma Moone.
I've loved you from the very first moment I met you.
Or at least, from about the end of that month.
I can't tell you how proud I am,
that my seed is now growing inside your lovely big womb.
But I'm not content
with just showering your uterus with my love.
Oh Sweet Jesus.
I want to shower every other part of your body too.
Starting with...
-Your finger. -Feck...Off.
Fidelma Moone, Will you marry me?
Wow, you really don't understand the term low profile, do you?
Of course I will.
There's nothing wimpy about that.
-Ah yeah he's... -Oh for F...
Trisha, people can't dance to that.
Ahh Mam, no one dances at the back to school dance.
We only come to see which girls have got fat.
Well they will this year. This dance will be a success,
whether you bitches like it or not.
I know, It seems Michelle Durkins been hittin the kebabs.
Jeez, she really has...
That's more like it. Good man, Padraic.
Which is why she thought the spare underpants were for me,
and really they were for Padraic.
-Martin, start dancing, will you? -What? On my own?
-Go on, just to get things going. -Mom, no way.
Well I'll go out there with you. We'll dance together.
That's even worse. I'm not dancing with my mom.
Now Martin, you're not afraid of what other people are going to think, are you?
No, course not.
You didn't choose the name Sundance for no reason, eh?
-Have you seen the film? -I've seen "Flashdance".
-Great Film. -Classic.
-And if that is anything to go by, I would love to see a sundance.
Don't worry, I'm sure everyone will join in once you start.
Go on, dance for a little. Go on.
The lady wants to see you dance, buddy.
Just look at me.
Just see me once. You won't be disappointed.
O what is he doin?
heh look at 'em. Big feckin idjot!
What is that?
Look at 'em go. He's going to be the most popular lad in school.
Let's go.
Alright, alright, we've all had our fun, Come on, everybody come in and join him.
Come on, people, come on join him.
Look at him, he's dancing his little heart out.
Oh balls.
Hey
You look like an idiot. Let's look like an idiot together.
We did it! We did it, Martin.
This isn't so bad. I think were doing ok.
Oh yeah, I bet Miss Tivnan thinks we're amazing.
Quick, while they're distracted by that dancing idiot.
Come on, you big stupid sexy bastard.
They think you're the best dancer in the world.
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!
I feel like a swan.
-Dance! Dance! Dance! -Wanker.
Transcribed by Cosa